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About NU for Families NU for Families is an education effort by University Cooperative Extension. Research at the University of Nebraska has focused on families who believe they are doing well. Information has been gathered through in depth family interviews, observations and written questionnaires. Family members from all 50 states and 27 countries have participated. Amazingly when you ask people around the globe, "What makes your family strong?" the answers are remarkably similar from culture to culture. Strong families have six general qualities: Appreciation and Affection Positive Communication Commitment Enjoyable Time Together Successful Management of Stress and Crises Spiritual Well Being

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	NU for Families - Communication

We Are Always Communicating! But Is It effective?
The statement "Sometimes we don't communicate!" simply isn't true. Every person communicates in one way or another. It may be communication that is not effective, not pleasing, or that avoids discussion. But even when someone gives you 'the silent treatment,' they are communicating. It is effective communication that we strive to achieve. Effective communication is crucial in managing work and family life. By discussing our feelings
with each other, we have the chance to sort out confusing situations. When we share our feelings sincerely, we come to realize that everyone has emotions with some similarities and differences.

Failures in communication usually happen when the receiver understands the message differently than the sender intended. Being aware of some of the barriers to communication may help you become a better listener and more effective in communication skills.

Communication difficulties:

• Listening with only 'half an ear.' Often we are too busy doing other things and only give part of our attention to what is being said.
• Acting as a judge and jury instead of what is really being said. Sometime we want to make a quick decision and don't hear the complete story.
• Tuning out ideas or opinions that we don't like or agree with. We don't allow ourselves to listen because we don't want to agree.
• Jumping to conclusions. Sometimes we have preconceived ideas of what someone is saying, so we don't actually listen carefully.
• Not listening "between the lines."
• Not understanding the attitudes, needs and motives behind the words.
• Not being aware of nonverbal cues such as facial expressions, gestures, and body movements.

This keeps us from understanding the importance or full meaning of what is being communicated.

Communicating more effectively:
There are several skills can help you that can help you communicate more effectively with family and friends.

Feedback:
As a listener, it is important to make sure the message you hear, has the same meaning as the speaker intended. To do this, you can use feedback by repeating the message that was heard. In turn, the other person can say whether or not you heard correctly. Responsive feedback can lead to clarification, understanding and solutions. Failing to give feedback may lead to misunderstanding and sometimes to anger, hurt, and frustration.

Open responses:
You can enhance communication even further by understanding the difference between closed and open responses. A closed response indicates that a person has not heard or understood, or chooses to ignore the other person's conversation. This cuts off communication.  An open response indicates that you have heard the person and are interested in what they say. Open responses encourage the person to continue talking. "Tell me more" is a simple way to let the speaker know you really want to converse.

I-Messages:
The use of I- Messages will help improve communication because it is a way to relate what you are feeling. This method doesn't place blame on the other person when dealing with problems. The steps to constructing I messages involve stating the behavior, "When..."; stating the feelings, "I feel..."; and stating the consequences of the behavior, "Because..." .

Communication tips:
For those who want to practice listening and speaking skills, here are a few tips.

• Listen carefully and intently.
• Be available and approachable to family and friends.
• Have patience to hear the whole story.
• Stop talking. You can't listen when you're talking.
• Don't jump to conclusions. Avoid being judgmental.
• Listen to what is not said.
• Listen to how something is said.
• Know when to be silent and when to say something. Some silence is OK.
• Respect the rights and opinions of others. You don't have to agree with everything.
• Build their self esteem and avoid techniques that damage self respect.
• Help others find their own answers and make their own decisions when possible.
• Accept with an open mind what others have to say.
• Use warm, friendly tones of voice. Be polite.
• Share the responsibility of communication. It really does take two to communicate effectively!

Dr. Kathy Bosch
Extension Family Life Specialist
Assistant Professor, Family and Consumer Sciences
University of Nebraska